Naked and Exposed

Naked and Exposed

I had a life in another dimension.

I thought it was real, and true, and pure. I thought the only pain I had was caused by distant forces that I needed to keep at bay.

I thought this, for this is what I was told time and again.

But when I reflect now on that life, I think I knew all along it wasn’t real. I was just pretending. I’ve done that a lot since childhood. I learned to pretend at an early age to keep the pain at bay.

No, not the kind of pretend that brings you to far off, exotic lands, where the wind blows back your long, curly locks of hair and sends your long, flowing dress dancing at your feet as you stroll along the sand, staring at the endless blue sky. That’s a nice pretend.

Not the kind of pretend that carries you to a beautiful castle up on a hill and fills you with all the riches you can imagine. Not even the pretend that sends you prancing in a field of daisies, singing sweet melodies while the sun warms your entire body.

I pretended that I was in a family that truly loved me, protected me, respected me. I pretended that all who intended me harm, lived outside the walls, not in, and I pretended that the love between us all, was the pure, true, sincere kind of love. You know? The kind that never falters, shakes, or falls apart even when the seas get stormy.

But at some level, although I pretended, I knew. I knew it was all surface, fair weather love. Surface dwellers. As long as I smiled, they would smile too. But whenever I began to peel back the layers from that surface, it became all too clear that the love would crumble and fall apart. I would become the enemy, the target, the outcast.

And so each time, I would put the layers back. I would go right back to pretending. And I went on pretending for a long, long, long time.

I have always said that we have many lives in one and here again, I embark on yet another. You see, years had gone by and I finally did end up pulling back a layer or two. In fact, I pulled them all off. I pulled them so far back that they tore off and flew away. And there we all were, naked and exposed. Their eyes darted for their clothing, they scrambled to find the layers to put them back in their wrongful place, but it was of no use. They were gone and we had fallen below the surface. And as instantly as that realization hit their collective consciousness, I was the enemy, the target, the outcast.

I had no choice. I was banished from the kingdom so I left that life right there where I had found it, in that other dimension. That world, it carries on to this day. After I left, everyone immediately started working together to build new layers and cover themselves up until they were once again all reunited on the clean, safe surface. And although I wasn't there, I could feel them breathe a sigh of relief.

It seems a fantasy now, a dream of sorts, and at times, I yearn to see my mother’s face, feel her warm embrace, and reach out for her love. I want so desperately to pull her to the other dimension and show her that she will not fall apart. My love is that strong. But she is too afraid and for now, her love only lives on the surface and I now belong to another dimension, a dimension with no layers. I am naked and exposed.

The people from my previous life are unable to find me - or perhaps for some, unwilling. At times I have sudden nightmares at this loss and I wrap myself up with my own arms, cover my shoulders, I rock and I sob until the pain of the loss subsides and the calm returns once again. I will never put back the layers. I will stay naked and exposed. From this level of exposure springs true strength, true love, true freedom. I cannot go back. I will not go back to pretend and fantasy.

The world I now live in, is one where all layers have been forever pulled back and nobody runs away. Nobody abandons me or turns me into the enemy. I am no longer the outcast for having rid myself of these layers. In fact, I am loved more, respected more, valued more. And with each painful attempt to pull back the layers, the stronger that love became in my new world. The more protected I was, the more support I received, and I realized I no longer had to pretend.

I think I could have slept for all eternity when I finally let go of that pretend world.

I may never see the people from my old life ever again, and with each passing day, I grow further away from what I can only describe as darkness, lies, and the inability or unwillingness to discover true, real, sincere love that lives in abundance beyond the surface. I no longer belong there, in their surface world. Perhaps I never did.

I have pulled back the layers.

Naked and exposed.

Carreen

08/16/16

9:15 p.m.