Fleeting Moments

Fleeting Moments

It is nearly impossible to put into words this daily, internal struggle

Fleeting moments of pure joy, boundless energy, and a stillness, a calm

Then the doom sets in once again, like a dark cloud hovering over my heart

Like a villain who reminds me he is always there, lingering in the shadows

That he will always have the upper hand, and allow me but moments of joy

Only moments, only fleeting moments

And just when I feel grounded and strong and feel I have the ability to move forward

There he gallops at full speed, settling in upon my soul with a villainous grin

Shackled, I realize I can never truly fight him off nor fully escape his clutches

Infinitely more powerful than I, the memories pull me down to that level of despair

That hell of an existence, that hopelessness, that tomb

But my blissful moments do return, only fleeting moments

I breathe them in, I stare at the sunshine, I feel the love that surrounds me

I use every one of my senses to be recognizant of my presence

And I work like mad to shed myself of my past

And it works, and my love for all, my passion for life - GOD, it is so beautiful

But only moments, only fleeting moments

One day, I will be gone from this physical body and this physical world

There will be no more struggle for me, no more battle for peace, for relief

And I think to myself, if in the end, there is nothing, why will my mind not let me be?

Why must my mind pull me back, not let me go, not release me from my nightmares?

And I hold on, but only for a moment, only fleeting moments

I will never stop battling and I will never stop fighting for release

Someone took away my innocence and my trust so many years ago

Someone robbed me of my very soul and somehow I am still here, still trying to cope

But only for a moment, only fleeting moments

After decades of silence, after decades of pain, I bravely step into the light

Only to be put into a pit and stoned by the very ones whom I have protected

Easier to live in denial I suppose, easier than holding my hand, and I fall once again

But only for a moment, only fleeting moments

There is no making sense of this world nor of the people who abandon me

There is chaos and confusion at every turn, everyone struggling for purpose

For self-importance, for preservation, for answers that do not exist

And I am lost, but only for a moment, only fleeting moments

Those who truly know me, those who have truly taken the time to KNOW me

They see me, they see my love, they see my passion and compassion, and they hold me close

They see my love of life and they see my heart, and with them at my side, I continue to fight

I choose life, I choose truth, I choose love, and I choose peace, and I hope that one day it will be more than

Only for a moment, only fleeting moments

Sunday, June 12th, 2016

11:43 a.m.